A new decade will start in a few days. So many people are using this as a chance to share what they’ve learned over the last ten years. Me, I tried pursuing what I wanted, falling in with what I thought were opportunities to practice them, building up to writing a book in the middle of the decade.
Ever since I’ve wrestled with that first half, and where I go next. Trying to fix the first half is useless – it’s trying to convince unreasonable people to see things from my perspective, which they will never do. All I can do is recognize my truths and go from there. I’m tempted to say “I ought to have done this before,” or “should’ve done this,” or “shouldn’t have done that,” but I am where I am, all I can do is say “this is where I am now. This is where I want to go, and how I want to get there.”
The journey is the destination, and all I can do is separate myself from false paths and set myself on a better direction. I can dwell in my anguish and feeling like I’ve failed to live up to the credentials I’ve given myself, or a disappointment to all the people who’ve put in so much time growing me into the person I am. Or I can acknowledge their contributions (even if their contributions are unintentional, or their bad behavior built me in ways they thought would tear me down).
The bigger question is what do I really want? I’ve gone over my past and described what I don’t want, but what do I really want? I want a full life – I know people who are small and are comfortable in their little patch of the world. I’m not.
The biggest obstacle to this is my over-reliance on others – others who prove themselves untrustworthy, or my extremely guarded ways – which ends up hurting others as I don’t trust people who want to help. I want to let my guard down on and trust that the world is a compassionate and welcoming place, which I believed once, and I’m trying to believe again.